Isn't this you?

From across the room, I noticed the boy with his shoulders sagging, tears running down his face, and the look of anger in which I had grown all to familiar with. I made my way to his desk, knelt down beside him, and asked him what was wrong. At his response, I didn’t know whether to laugh, cry, or beat my head against the desk. The girl, who sat across from him, just shook her head as she shrugged her shoulders. I was tired and so where they. I looked around the room as 21 pairs of eyes watched to see what I would do. This wasn’t the first time that the boy had a temper tantrum because something wasn’t going his way. This was the same child who threw a tantrum when he received a football at our Christmas party, a gift he clearly didn’t want. I sighed, took a deep breath, and tried talking to him. He continued his tantrum. I had had enough.  How could he act like this? Why did he always get so upset when things did not go the way he planned? As these questions rolled through my head and I became even more frustrated with the situation, I heard another, more piercing question…“Isn’t this you?”.

“Isn’t this you?”  Isn’t this you when things don’t go your way? Isn’t this you when life doesn’t turn out like you had planned? Isn’t this you when I call you to leave one career behind for another? Isn’t this you when you struggle to live up to your own expectations? Isn’t this you when you come face to face with your limitations? Isn’t this you when you look at the scars of your past? Isn’t this you when you take your eyes off of me and instead look at circumstances? Honestly, I didn’t want to consider any of these questions or believe that I could be anything like the spoiled child in front of me. However, I knew that the answer to all of these questions was “yes”.  Yes, I can throw a tantrum when life doesn’t go my way but it is only because I don’t see what God sees. I don’t trust that His plan for my life is better than my plan. I don’t trust that He can make something beautiful from my past mistakes. I don’t trust that He can perfect the things that concern me. In essence, I don’t fully trust Him with all the recesses of my heart.

Tears stream down my face as I write these words. It is hard to come face to face with the realization that your faith is not what it seems. I want to trust Him fully but at times I don’t. I doubt His love even as I hear the child I prayed and waited seven years for talking in her crib.  It is actually quite silly for me to doubt but I do and maybe you do too. Maybe you doubt God’s plan for your life. Maybe you question where He has you. Maybe you wonder why some of your dreams have been left unfulfilled. All I can tell you is that as I look back at my life, He has always been there, and He has always been faithful. His love has always been constant, even when I have doubted Him. Some days I forget. I forget who He is. I forget who I am in Him. I forget that I am His beloved child and so I throw a tantrum.  It is in these moments I doubt that I must cling to what I know to be true. The doubts will come. There will be moments when I don’t trust Him. There will be days when I doubt His love but what do I know to be true? I know that He loves me despite my failings. I know that He is faithful. I know that I can trust Him, even when my heart trembles in fear. I know that I am His.

My heart can rest. I can write these words knowing that my God loves me despite my doubts and tantrums. I can be vulnerable before Him knowing that He is big enough for my weaknesses. He loves me and His love is enough.

“The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; your love, O Lord, endures forever-do not abandon the works of your hands.” Psalm 138:8