I Don't Want to Talk About It.
If you know me well, you know I tend to be somewhat of a perfectionist. I'm not one to put things off and I tend to be very disciplined about taking care of what needs to be done. Resting is not something I'm good at. However, right now there's a pile of clean clothes waiting to be folded, dinner preparations to be made, a dessert to be baked for a party tomorrow night, and a pair of pants waiting for a button to be sewed back on... but this just couldn't wait. You have to understand these blogs come at a price. The first blog took a lot out of me emotionally. The night I published it I cried myself to sleep but it was worth it. The second blog was very humbling and took a lot out of me spiritually. I had to fight through a lot of distractions to get it written and published. It too was worth the battle. Oh, but this blog is a different story.The price was far greater.
My walk with God has gone through many highs and lows. There have been moments when it's as if He is sitting in the room with me holding me close. His presence has been very real. There have also been moments when He has felt so far away. Some of those moments have been my fault. I've pushed Him away or have chosen to put other things before Him. However, there have been times I believe He has hidden His face so I would seek Him more. If you've read my previous blogs, you know I've had a lot of changes in my life. All my plans have been shattered and for once in my life, I have no plans. I don't know what's next. Each day is a step of faith. Several months ago, the Lord gave me a promise. As I was praying about my future, He led me to Jeremiah 24:6 which says, "My eyes will watch over them for their good, and I will bring them back to this land. I will build them up and not tear them down; I will plant them and not uproot them." Do you know what a blessing this was to me? I felt so many things in my life had been uprooted. I had been asked to let go of so many things but God promised me He would plant me. He would build me up and not tear me down. You would think having been given this promise my faith would have been stronger and hope not so easily lost.
I didn't understand. Oh, I understood moments when God didn't feel close but this I didn't understand. I was spiritually and emotionally tired. Tired of praying, tired of fighting, tired of wanting so much to be a godly woman only to find myself struggling with the same thing over and over again. I wondered if it even mattered anymore. Did it matter if I spent time with God daily? Did it matter if I poured my heart out to Him? Was He even listening and if He was why was He not setting me free from the things that held me captive? I was just tired. Now, this isn't the first time I've been burned out but this is the first time I lost hope and it scared me. The worst part is I would try to pray and bring these feelings before God and there was silence. I would try to read my Bible but instead of finding solace, I would be filled with panic and a heaviness of spirit. I'm not talking about a sense of conviction over sin but sheer panic. Jeremy, being the dear, sweet man that he is, tried to get me to talk about what I was dealing with. But, I just didn't want to talk about it. I've always known that as long as God's presence was with me I could face anything. However, this I could just not do. I felt completely lost and my hope was gone. What was I supposed to say, "Oh, by the way honey, I have no hope and God isn't anywhere around". You have to understand I was pursuing Him. I was seeking Him in prayer and through His word and nothing. Silence like I've never known.
Until, finally one day, I was reading and came across a couple of verses meant for me. Oh, this is where it gets really good. I'm so excited right now that I can't type fast enough. The verses were Hosea 2:14-15, "Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her. There I will give her back her vineyards, and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope." It's really sad but when I first read them I completely dismissed them. God wouldn't let it be though. He kept bringing this scripture to my mind. Several days later, as I was running, I felt Him ask me, "Kristen, do you trust that I'm Sovereign over the desert places? Can you not see that this time of silence is from me and I am Sovereign over it? You think my sovereignty is limited to certain things but it actually extends to cover every area of your life. I'm Sovereign over your future. I'm Sovereign over your hopes and your dreams. And I'm Sovereign over your mistakes." Wait a minute. Really? "God, did you really allure me into the desert? I wish you would start the whole talking tenderly to me part". Oh, but He did start talking tenderly to me and it took my breath away. Hold on...let's go back to the above verse for a moment because I don't want to leave anything out and I'm so excited I'm about to get ahead of myself. The word Achor actually means trouble. So, vs 15 could be read as, "There I will give her back her vineyards, and will make the Valley of Trouble a door of hope." Isn't it beautiful? I don't even know where to start. First, what a wonderful reminder that He is sovereign over my mistakes. He is faithful even in the places I fall down and turn from Him. Second, He led me into a place of trouble for a reason. He wanted to replace my hope with a greater hope. He wanted my hope to be in Him and Him alone.
You see, sometimes the lesson in waiting or walking through the desert place is learning to rest in Him. As I said earlier, resting is not something I'm good at. The word rest means "To rely. To be found; to belong; to reside. To be present; dwell; to linger. To be fixed or directed on something." I needed to learn to dwell in Him even when I didn't feel His presence. I needed to rely on Him and be found in Him. My gaze needed to be fixed on Him. I needed to rest in His sovereign rule over my life. Maybe you are in a desert place and if you are you first need to ask yourself if you are seeking God with all your heart. Jeremiah 29:13 states, "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." If you are diligently seeking Him, it could be He has brought you to a desert place to teach you something.
Over the last 3 days, God has spoken so tenderly to me. My heart is so full and I wish I could share it all with you but some of it was meant only for me. I don't know what you are struggling with or where you are at in your relationship with the Lord but just know God is sovereign. He is sovereign over your past and your future. He is sovereign over your marriage, your finances, your job, and your family. He is sovereign over your hurts, your mistakes, your failures and He is also sovereign over your hopes and dreams. He is sovereign over the places of abundance and He is sovereign over the desert places. Psalm 103:19 (NAS) says, "The Lord has established his throne in the heavens, and his sovereignty rules over all." You life will be always be swayed by circumstances until you settle this in your heart. God is Sovereign. Period.
I've found that often times I'll come across a song that describes the state of my heart perfectly. This was the case about a year and half ago when I first heard the song entitled Everything by Lifehouse. In closing, I want to share the lyrics with you because it's such a beautiful portrayal of how I felt in the midst of this.
Find Me Here
Speak To Me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That's leading me
To the place where I find peace again.
You are the strength, that keeps me walking.
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.
You are the light to my soul.
You are my purpose...you're everything.
How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
You calm the storms, and you give me rest.
You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall.
You steal my heart, and you take my breath away.
Would you take me in? Take me deeper now?
How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
Cause you're all I want, You're all I need
You're everything,everything
You're all I want your all I need
You're everything, everything.
You're all I want you're all I need.
You're everything, everything
You're all I want you're all I need, you're everything, everything.
And How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
My walk with God has gone through many highs and lows. There have been moments when it's as if He is sitting in the room with me holding me close. His presence has been very real. There have also been moments when He has felt so far away. Some of those moments have been my fault. I've pushed Him away or have chosen to put other things before Him. However, there have been times I believe He has hidden His face so I would seek Him more. If you've read my previous blogs, you know I've had a lot of changes in my life. All my plans have been shattered and for once in my life, I have no plans. I don't know what's next. Each day is a step of faith. Several months ago, the Lord gave me a promise. As I was praying about my future, He led me to Jeremiah 24:6 which says, "My eyes will watch over them for their good, and I will bring them back to this land. I will build them up and not tear them down; I will plant them and not uproot them." Do you know what a blessing this was to me? I felt so many things in my life had been uprooted. I had been asked to let go of so many things but God promised me He would plant me. He would build me up and not tear me down. You would think having been given this promise my faith would have been stronger and hope not so easily lost.
I didn't understand. Oh, I understood moments when God didn't feel close but this I didn't understand. I was spiritually and emotionally tired. Tired of praying, tired of fighting, tired of wanting so much to be a godly woman only to find myself struggling with the same thing over and over again. I wondered if it even mattered anymore. Did it matter if I spent time with God daily? Did it matter if I poured my heart out to Him? Was He even listening and if He was why was He not setting me free from the things that held me captive? I was just tired. Now, this isn't the first time I've been burned out but this is the first time I lost hope and it scared me. The worst part is I would try to pray and bring these feelings before God and there was silence. I would try to read my Bible but instead of finding solace, I would be filled with panic and a heaviness of spirit. I'm not talking about a sense of conviction over sin but sheer panic. Jeremy, being the dear, sweet man that he is, tried to get me to talk about what I was dealing with. But, I just didn't want to talk about it. I've always known that as long as God's presence was with me I could face anything. However, this I could just not do. I felt completely lost and my hope was gone. What was I supposed to say, "Oh, by the way honey, I have no hope and God isn't anywhere around". You have to understand I was pursuing Him. I was seeking Him in prayer and through His word and nothing. Silence like I've never known.
Until, finally one day, I was reading and came across a couple of verses meant for me. Oh, this is where it gets really good. I'm so excited right now that I can't type fast enough. The verses were Hosea 2:14-15, "Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her. There I will give her back her vineyards, and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope." It's really sad but when I first read them I completely dismissed them. God wouldn't let it be though. He kept bringing this scripture to my mind. Several days later, as I was running, I felt Him ask me, "Kristen, do you trust that I'm Sovereign over the desert places? Can you not see that this time of silence is from me and I am Sovereign over it? You think my sovereignty is limited to certain things but it actually extends to cover every area of your life. I'm Sovereign over your future. I'm Sovereign over your hopes and your dreams. And I'm Sovereign over your mistakes." Wait a minute. Really? "God, did you really allure me into the desert? I wish you would start the whole talking tenderly to me part". Oh, but He did start talking tenderly to me and it took my breath away. Hold on...let's go back to the above verse for a moment because I don't want to leave anything out and I'm so excited I'm about to get ahead of myself. The word Achor actually means trouble. So, vs 15 could be read as, "There I will give her back her vineyards, and will make the Valley of Trouble a door of hope." Isn't it beautiful? I don't even know where to start. First, what a wonderful reminder that He is sovereign over my mistakes. He is faithful even in the places I fall down and turn from Him. Second, He led me into a place of trouble for a reason. He wanted to replace my hope with a greater hope. He wanted my hope to be in Him and Him alone.
You see, sometimes the lesson in waiting or walking through the desert place is learning to rest in Him. As I said earlier, resting is not something I'm good at. The word rest means "To rely. To be found; to belong; to reside. To be present; dwell; to linger. To be fixed or directed on something." I needed to learn to dwell in Him even when I didn't feel His presence. I needed to rely on Him and be found in Him. My gaze needed to be fixed on Him. I needed to rest in His sovereign rule over my life. Maybe you are in a desert place and if you are you first need to ask yourself if you are seeking God with all your heart. Jeremiah 29:13 states, "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." If you are diligently seeking Him, it could be He has brought you to a desert place to teach you something.
Over the last 3 days, God has spoken so tenderly to me. My heart is so full and I wish I could share it all with you but some of it was meant only for me. I don't know what you are struggling with or where you are at in your relationship with the Lord but just know God is sovereign. He is sovereign over your past and your future. He is sovereign over your marriage, your finances, your job, and your family. He is sovereign over your hurts, your mistakes, your failures and He is also sovereign over your hopes and dreams. He is sovereign over the places of abundance and He is sovereign over the desert places. Psalm 103:19 (NAS) says, "The Lord has established his throne in the heavens, and his sovereignty rules over all." You life will be always be swayed by circumstances until you settle this in your heart. God is Sovereign. Period.
I've found that often times I'll come across a song that describes the state of my heart perfectly. This was the case about a year and half ago when I first heard the song entitled Everything by Lifehouse. In closing, I want to share the lyrics with you because it's such a beautiful portrayal of how I felt in the midst of this.
Find Me Here
Speak To Me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That's leading me
To the place where I find peace again.
You are the strength, that keeps me walking.
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.
You are the light to my soul.
You are my purpose...you're everything.
How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
You calm the storms, and you give me rest.
You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall.
You steal my heart, and you take my breath away.
Would you take me in? Take me deeper now?
How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
Cause you're all I want, You're all I need
You're everything,everything
You're all I want your all I need
You're everything, everything.
You're all I want you're all I need.
You're everything, everything
You're all I want you're all I need, you're everything, everything.
And How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
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