So It Begins...
In order to understand how I arrived at this point in my walk with the Lord, you must first know where I've been. I became a Christian as a little girl and was blessed to be raised in a home where both my parents sought to honor God in their daily lives. As I look back on my childhood, one of the things that stands out to me most is how both of my parents were disciplined in spending time with the Lord daily. Believe me when I say, I didn't really know what all the fuss was about. As a high school student, I couldn't imagine why anyone would want to sit and read their Bible. I knew it was important but I didn't have the desire to actually sit down and do it. For me this changed my freshman year in college when many things in my life were changing. It could be described as a year of heartache and uncertainty as I was trying to figure out who I was. I began to pray that I would be a woman after God's own heart because I really didn't know who else to be.
Now, we need to fast forward 8 years. I've married, graduated college and moved from Alabama to Tennessee. Life is going along fairly smoothly. My husband and I both have jobs we enjoy, we have our first home, and we've settled into life in the hills of Northeast Tennessee. I began to attend a Bible study with a group of women in our church and at some point during the study I realized that while I believed in God, I didn't know if I really believed Him. Did I really trust Him with all the issues of my life? Did I trust He would work all things out for my good? Honestly, I didn't and that posed a problem. How could I grow closer to a God I didn't fully trust?
So it began...it began with a prayer that I would learn to really believe God and trust Him no matter what my circumstances were or how I felt. Little did I realize the road I was about to be called to walk down. In November of 2005, Jeremy and I decided it was time to start a family. Needless to say, I was excited and nervous all at the same time. I would lay awake at night thinking of baby names and day dream about how I would tell Jeremy. Months came and went with nothing except dashed hopes and dreams. Six or Seven months later, I am in tears one day just praying and asking God why. Most of my friends had gotten pregnant within 1 to 2 months of trying so why can't I? I remember God just spoke to my heart and said, "Kristen, you can either wrestle with this month after month or you can trust that it will happen in my time not yours." I thought to myself, "OK, God. Fine. We'll do this your way." I surrendered my timing of getting pregnant to Him but I wasn't very happy about it. However, it turns out that surrendering to Him was the best thing I could have done and should have done it much sooner. He filled my heart with such peace. I was truly able to rest in Him, knowing He held my dreams of being a mom in His hands. I was able to truly rejoice with my friends as they became pregnant and had babies. I felt no envy or bitterness only happiness for their blessings.
In May of 2007, after much prayer, I decided to start my own design firm with one of my best friends. We both worked for another interior design firm in the area and felt it was time to step out and spread our wings. It was a huge risk for me because Jeremy and I depended on my income to make ends meet each month. However, I felt it was a step of faith God wanted me to take. He really showed me that it was my job to "cast my net" and leave the results up to Him. From the very first month, our business took off. I was amazed at the amount of business we generated in a short amount of time. I even thought to myself, "Now I understand why I didn't get pregnant when we first started trying because it would have been hard to have a baby and start this business."
One morning not long after this, I was praying and sensed God prompting me to take my trust in Him one step further. My first thought was "God, you can't be serious? I don't know if I can do this." Could I really surrender what He was asking me to surrender? I could utter the words but could I really believe them in my heart and mean them. Finally, with tears running down my face I surrendered and prayed, "Lord, if it is your will that Jeremy and I never have children then I'm choosing to trust it's your best for us. I don't understand but I give this to you." Needless to say this wasn't an easy prayer to pray but I also know God is faithful.
I continued to throw myself into getting my business off the ground and growing as a designer. We sailed through our first year of business and were so busy we were booking appointments several months in advance. We felt like we were sitting on top of the world when we were approached by a magazine about featuring one of our jobs in their Home and Garden Edition. However, soon everything began to change as the economy took a nose dive. My business partner and I had always said we would never take out loans to keep our business going. We would do whatever else it took even if it meant getting second jobs. I started working full-time for another business and continued to do design work during my lunch break and evenings. I was just biding my time until the economy picked up and I could go back to interior design completely. As I continued to seek God's direction for my life, I kept getting a sense that I needed to walk away from design. At first I thought maybe I just needed to slow down. There were times I would leave my job at 5:00, go on design appointments and finally get home around 9:30 or 10:00. I was exhausted and I never got to see my husband, which is kind of important if you want your marriage to be successful. I told myself I would get the jobs I had going done and slow down.
I won't ever forget the day it hit me in the face that God was calling me to completely walk away from design. I was speaking at a Christmas Women's Fellowship at my church that night on obedience. I can remember driving home from work crying my eyes out and the song playing on the radio was Feliz Navidad. Really? You've got to be kidding me!!!! Could I at least have not had a somber Christmas song playing. I'm thinking something more along the lines of Silent Night. Also, I'm not one of these girls who cries pretty. I was a complete mess. How was I supposed to pull myself together and go speak on obedience? Who was I to even think of talking about it when I was dragging my feet and fighting it with everything in me?
Now, some of you may be wondering "why follow a God who requires so much of you?" Why would He ask me to surrender two things that were so important to me? First and foremost, you have to understand God is a God of love and He is faithful. Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." God only wants what's best for us but sometimes it's hard for us to see beyond our circumstances. I think it also comes down to what/who you believe. 2 Timothy 1:12 says, "That is why I am suffering as I am. Yet I am not ashamed, because I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him for that day. " The choice is yours. Are you going to believe God? Are you convinced He is able to take care of the things you surrender to Him? I chose to believe Him. Please don't get me wrong. I would have never chosen infertility and I would have never chosen to walk away from design. However, I also wouldn't trade it. You see, I've learned a contentment and faith that could have only been learned by walking through those things. I've also seen a really sweet side of God that I wouldn't have seen otherwise. I think sometimes we have to see our dreams shattered so we can fully see ourselves and what we are seeking. Am I seeking God for what He can give me or am I seeking Him for who He is?
I hope you will tag along as I embark on this journey. Who knows where it might lead? Only time will tell but I'll whisper a short prayer and hope that you find encouragement here. So it begins...
Now, we need to fast forward 8 years. I've married, graduated college and moved from Alabama to Tennessee. Life is going along fairly smoothly. My husband and I both have jobs we enjoy, we have our first home, and we've settled into life in the hills of Northeast Tennessee. I began to attend a Bible study with a group of women in our church and at some point during the study I realized that while I believed in God, I didn't know if I really believed Him. Did I really trust Him with all the issues of my life? Did I trust He would work all things out for my good? Honestly, I didn't and that posed a problem. How could I grow closer to a God I didn't fully trust?
So it began...it began with a prayer that I would learn to really believe God and trust Him no matter what my circumstances were or how I felt. Little did I realize the road I was about to be called to walk down. In November of 2005, Jeremy and I decided it was time to start a family. Needless to say, I was excited and nervous all at the same time. I would lay awake at night thinking of baby names and day dream about how I would tell Jeremy. Months came and went with nothing except dashed hopes and dreams. Six or Seven months later, I am in tears one day just praying and asking God why. Most of my friends had gotten pregnant within 1 to 2 months of trying so why can't I? I remember God just spoke to my heart and said, "Kristen, you can either wrestle with this month after month or you can trust that it will happen in my time not yours." I thought to myself, "OK, God. Fine. We'll do this your way." I surrendered my timing of getting pregnant to Him but I wasn't very happy about it. However, it turns out that surrendering to Him was the best thing I could have done and should have done it much sooner. He filled my heart with such peace. I was truly able to rest in Him, knowing He held my dreams of being a mom in His hands. I was able to truly rejoice with my friends as they became pregnant and had babies. I felt no envy or bitterness only happiness for their blessings.
In May of 2007, after much prayer, I decided to start my own design firm with one of my best friends. We both worked for another interior design firm in the area and felt it was time to step out and spread our wings. It was a huge risk for me because Jeremy and I depended on my income to make ends meet each month. However, I felt it was a step of faith God wanted me to take. He really showed me that it was my job to "cast my net" and leave the results up to Him. From the very first month, our business took off. I was amazed at the amount of business we generated in a short amount of time. I even thought to myself, "Now I understand why I didn't get pregnant when we first started trying because it would have been hard to have a baby and start this business."
One morning not long after this, I was praying and sensed God prompting me to take my trust in Him one step further. My first thought was "God, you can't be serious? I don't know if I can do this." Could I really surrender what He was asking me to surrender? I could utter the words but could I really believe them in my heart and mean them. Finally, with tears running down my face I surrendered and prayed, "Lord, if it is your will that Jeremy and I never have children then I'm choosing to trust it's your best for us. I don't understand but I give this to you." Needless to say this wasn't an easy prayer to pray but I also know God is faithful.
I continued to throw myself into getting my business off the ground and growing as a designer. We sailed through our first year of business and were so busy we were booking appointments several months in advance. We felt like we were sitting on top of the world when we were approached by a magazine about featuring one of our jobs in their Home and Garden Edition. However, soon everything began to change as the economy took a nose dive. My business partner and I had always said we would never take out loans to keep our business going. We would do whatever else it took even if it meant getting second jobs. I started working full-time for another business and continued to do design work during my lunch break and evenings. I was just biding my time until the economy picked up and I could go back to interior design completely. As I continued to seek God's direction for my life, I kept getting a sense that I needed to walk away from design. At first I thought maybe I just needed to slow down. There were times I would leave my job at 5:00, go on design appointments and finally get home around 9:30 or 10:00. I was exhausted and I never got to see my husband, which is kind of important if you want your marriage to be successful. I told myself I would get the jobs I had going done and slow down.
I won't ever forget the day it hit me in the face that God was calling me to completely walk away from design. I was speaking at a Christmas Women's Fellowship at my church that night on obedience. I can remember driving home from work crying my eyes out and the song playing on the radio was Feliz Navidad. Really? You've got to be kidding me!!!! Could I at least have not had a somber Christmas song playing. I'm thinking something more along the lines of Silent Night. Also, I'm not one of these girls who cries pretty. I was a complete mess. How was I supposed to pull myself together and go speak on obedience? Who was I to even think of talking about it when I was dragging my feet and fighting it with everything in me?
Now, some of you may be wondering "why follow a God who requires so much of you?" Why would He ask me to surrender two things that were so important to me? First and foremost, you have to understand God is a God of love and He is faithful. Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." God only wants what's best for us but sometimes it's hard for us to see beyond our circumstances. I think it also comes down to what/who you believe. 2 Timothy 1:12 says, "That is why I am suffering as I am. Yet I am not ashamed, because I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him for that day. " The choice is yours. Are you going to believe God? Are you convinced He is able to take care of the things you surrender to Him? I chose to believe Him. Please don't get me wrong. I would have never chosen infertility and I would have never chosen to walk away from design. However, I also wouldn't trade it. You see, I've learned a contentment and faith that could have only been learned by walking through those things. I've also seen a really sweet side of God that I wouldn't have seen otherwise. I think sometimes we have to see our dreams shattered so we can fully see ourselves and what we are seeking. Am I seeking God for what He can give me or am I seeking Him for who He is?
I hope you will tag along as I embark on this journey. Who knows where it might lead? Only time will tell but I'll whisper a short prayer and hope that you find encouragement here. So it begins...
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